Surrender

The date is July 5, 2004. My contractions begin just around 8:30 AM. Tim and I get the kids lined out and then head to our midwife's office. This is my first pregnancy and delivery with a midwife. I am so excited and yet at the same time so scared.

We arrive at Laura's and my contractions are definitely stronger. With the help of Tim and encouragement from Laura, I decide to take advantage of her jetted bathtub. Incredible relief. I stay in there for some time...waiting for the moment when I get the urge to push. The urge comes. Tim helps me out, I put on a shirt, and walk slowly to the bed. I lay on the bed and begin to push. And push. And push. Intense pain. Major, intense pain. Severe, major, intense pain. I cry out and tell them that I cannot do this. It hurts. I'm scared. Laura, in her gentle and calm voice, reassures me that I can (and will) and explains to me that our baby won't be born until I surrender my body to the pain. She explains to me the definition of surrender and it all makes complete sense. Seconds later Katie Jane Walker is out of my womb and in my arms.

Fast forward 4 years. The date is July 21, 2008. I take a pregnancy test and it comes back positive. Oh the emotions that rush over me. I can't wait to tell Tim and yet I am reluctant. We are having lunch at George Fox University when I pull out the pregnancy test and show him, tears streaming down my face. I am so excited and yet at the same time so scared.

Weeks go by. I know I am pregnant. I know I have a child growing inside of me. I know that this child is a gift from our Creator God. But I am scared. I am scared to accept that I am pregnant. I am scared to be excited. I am scared to love another child and have it taken from me. I don't want to lose another baby. I don't want to face another death. I don't want to add another name to the list. I don't want to surrender.

But I have no options. I have no choice. I have to give this child back to God. I have to give up my desires and dreams and rest in His care. I have to surrender. I am in process. Surrender is scary. I have no control. I have no answers. But I do serve a God who does and He is faithful. My hope is that He chooses to give this baby life outside the womb. My hope is that this baby is a boy and that we can welcome him into our family in March of 2009. My hope is that the words Laura spoke some 4 years ago will become easier with time. My hope is that I will surrender to the pain.

My hope is in Jesus Christ.